Small Victories......Getting There

Today there was a battle. There was a choice. I felt those horrid gears changing and grinding. It's been right at three (3) weeks since I've followed through with self-inflicting any pain. Today, as I allowed myself to really cry out the bunch of tears I've been holding inside, letting only some escape here and there, the feeling of weakness rolled over me and I felt an overwhelming desire to make it stop. As I cried, I lay there involuntarily drawing up into a small ball. My stomache was "cramping/aching" so strong just like my hands, with desire to go "pay for this weakness," and for all that my mind consist of, was so overtaking. Did I go do it? I wanted to, but I lay there. With the phone prayers of a beautiful friend, I finally relaxed into God's arms and am thankful to have made it past that time of what I dare to refer to as withdrawal. No different than stopping smoking, a person can become addicted to self-inflicting pain and after long periods of doing it (in my experience-years), to stop is mind-blowing when one (in my experience for sure) realizes in these times that their hands are cramping with desperation as the best is given to resist the wrongful act of hurting the body, God's temple.

With those last two words being said, let it be known that while I did a good job of succeeding that battle, I didn't and could NEVER have done that alone. I am thankful for my friends and family who are willing to pray with and for me and not give up on believing in me as I work to improve and grow stronger in belief in my own self; but the BIG glory goes to GOD- someone bigger than you and I. If it weren't for God, no way could I make it from day to day. I believe many people relate to this; maybe even more than care to admit. In the end, I am most grateful to God for his undying and unconditional love and for his strong arms that hold and carry us when we truly are not able to walk on our own feet; who picks us up and holds us when we've even fallen from our knees to flat on our face. Thank you God for this victory.

In Peace