Do I feel angry? The truth is yes. I do. This posting is perhaps not "written" quite so gentle. It feels as though this learning and overcoming process will take so, so long. Am I in it for the long haul? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm NOT a quitter. Do I feel like quitting on myself? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I refuse to give up!!! Am I working to convince my own self? It's obvious; YES!! Right now, in this moment I am angry about the rabbits and other animals.
What am I talking about? It's generally when I'm tired physically and sometimes just when tired emotionally. First, it's probably good to discipline myself by getting up and stretching, doing some deep breathing exercises, read over some positive affirmations and biblical promises, and/or whatever else will help to calm down so that I can express and in a way that gives a more clear as possible understanding to you, the reader. Could I delete all of what I just typed? Yes, but what help would that be if I am opening up to give an inside view of what this looks and feels like? No, I won't. Now for that break.
Alright. Sleeping is an issue. It really became a big problem about three or four months ago, or so. After realizing I was alive for real good reason, after having been within less than a half-hour of my own death, I became extremely "alive-wired." Sleeping suddenly became an issue. I work night shift, which works great for being in school, if you're a "normal" healthy minded person who can adjust without the help of a lot of caffiene. Trying to keep a night shift schedule on my days off was a problem anyways; but, now it became a very large problem (trying to stick to a regular sleep routine). I didn't want to sleep. Why would I? There's constantly something happening and if I sleep, especially in the daytime, I'm bound to Miss Something! And you and I know there is No getting time back. It kind of reminds me of when I was a really little girl, when we'd have company who was visiting past nine o'clock (that was, for years, my natural internal "go-to-sleep-time"). I would bring my pillow from the bed to the middle of the living room floor and lay and go to sleep there, as I listened to the conversations at hand. Why? I knew why; even way back then - just like I know now; there was something going on and I didn't want to miss out. If I was in there, I "wouldn't miss out on anything." I had to get out and keep pushing; go to the park and hike, bike; go to the pond and fish; take nature pictures; do whatever- outside of these walls- just don't sleep and do keep moving. "I can sleep another time." "Another time" was getting further and further apart. It turned into "sleep binging." But, then I became exhausted of being exhausted. Did I want to keep pushing? Not at that point. I just wanted/want to feel "normal" and to know what normal really is and to experience the term "balance", now more than ever before.
It's come to the point where I am so tired of fighting my ever constant busy mind. I might find that I can benefit by changing my view on this, but, right now I view this sleep situation as "if my body is so tired it can over-power my mind and relax to go to sleep, my body wins and I sleep. If my mind is so busy (and I don't know about you but I can't sleep when my mind is busy with tons of thoughts all running together at one time) that I can't comfortably relax and sleep, then my mind wins and I don't sleep again until my body wins the on-going battle. Sometimes awake for days. Other times asleep when I really do need to be awake. I've always been a heavy sleeper when I sleep. I've missed classes because I slept through class times and I've missed work because I slept right through time for work. I do take Trazadone which was a help for a little while because it's prescribed to help me sleep. I take it in the mornings at 9a.m. along with Klonopin, Celexa, and Melatonin. Yes, I do take it faithfully. At around 10p.m., I take klonopin again and then again at 3a.m. It seems as though, now, none of it is working. Yes, I have an appoinment with my psychiatrist and counselor(psychologist) on Jan. 12th and am trying to get in sooner.
I reeeally need to because, the most recent issue has been "seeing things." I notice it happens when I am really tired physically and/or emotionally. I can be in a bad or even a good mood; it doesn't seem to matter the mood, it just happens. And there they are. Or would it be more correct to say,"There they go?" There are rabbits hopping around and other little animals that I can never seem to make out exactly what they are. At first, I didn't tell anyone because even I know there are no rabbits or animals hopping around inside home or work or wal-mart or inside anywhere, except maybe the zoo. I noticed they are always hopping in different directions away from me, but never towards me. Sometimes I see them just zipping across in front of me. Everytime, I take a second look and they are gone. Then, the more it happened, I started to get worried. So, I told my best friend. It was embarressing to tell, even though she is my best friend, because, hello, it sounds totally crazy to me, so I can only imagine what it will sound like to her, let alone you, the reader. It bothered me so much that I used humor in discussing it to feel able to deal with it. I joked about how I wondered if I should get out my BB Pistol and start shooting at them, etc. As soon as I realized what I was doing (hiding my worry about it and using humor as my crutch), I stopped joking about it. It was not and is not funny to me. And, I figured as long as they don't start hopping toward me, especially those animals I cen't seem to figure out what they are, they not hurting me, so they're ok there.
My angel of a sister gave me some really good input: talk to my counselor ASAP Before they have a chance to "hop toward me" and turn scary. So, I made and will keep making phone calls until I can get in to see what we can do about those animals, now.
I don't understand it, but I'm going rabbit hunting and I will put these rabbitts, and other rodents, away for good, with the help of God and my counselor and Dr.
Love,
His Princess, Peaceful Warrior
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